received by e-mail from a friend
Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the
world famous International Institute of Answering Machine
- My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll
leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're
- A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why
we're not here. So leave a message.
- Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already
sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you
are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female,
don't worry, I have plenty of money.
- (Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine.
Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a
veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of
it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in
time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath
sounded. Thou must leave a message.
- "Hi. Now you say something."
- "Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you
can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep." "Hello. I am David's
answering machine. What are you?"
- (From my Japanese friend in Toronto) He-lo! This is Sa-to. If
you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave *sexy* message,
I call sooner!
- "Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his
refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your
message to myself with one of these magnets."
- "Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just
eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls.
Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message,
just hold it up to the phone."
- "Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of
receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a
hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity
through their office and do not need their picture taken. If
you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get
back to you."
- "This is not an answering machine-this is a telepathic
thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name,
your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and
I'll think about returning your call."
- "Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't
like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."
- "Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right
now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call
- "If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our
weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we
probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."
- "You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You
feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and
your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you
will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a
- "You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your
voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for
later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use
the sound of *your* voice for literally thousands of illegal and
immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial
consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists
will contact you in the near future to further explain the
benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of
payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone.
- Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain
silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by
- Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the
phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy.
Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to
right...real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done
brushing our teeth we'll get back to you...
© Joachim F. Selinger,
Last modified: Thu Feb 14 10:11:56 CET 2002
/ Last checked on 15.6.99 by jfs